Thumbless Dolphins Have No Excuse
Tuesday, Aug. 05, 2003
Over the weekend I saw two overrated movies. I saw Pirates of the Caribbean in the theater and I saw Gangs of New York on DVD.
Pirates wasn�t a bad movie, but everyone is talking about how brilliant it is. It�s the same thing that happened with Schreck a few years ago. Everyone told everyone else how terribly brilliant it was. Then when Aisai and I saw it, it was OK. But really, it wasn�t nearly as funny as that David Spade as a llama movie. Heck, Patrick Warburton�s speaking in chipmunk alone could beat any of the tired old stuff in Schreck.
Johnny Depp was very cool and hip in Pirates. And the female lead gal was very beautiful. Strikingly so at times. I�m not used to seeing someone with such a great skeletal form with such a fortunate balance of muscle on it. Besides, her skin was incredibly excellent. Either that or the makup people were putting makeup on her shoulders. But makeup or not, you just can�t fake those tendons on the side of your neck. And, I swear, the gal has misshaped clavicles which, actually, look really nice.
Well, enough of that. I was starting to sound all freaky.
The best thing in Gangs of New York was Bill the Butcher. However, the running time was about three or four days, and I got sick of it. In fact, halfway through the second disk of the DVD set, I hit the button to show me the time left in the film. An hour. Crap.
Another cinematic disappointment came in the form of a preview for a movie called Brother Bear. Now, I love the premise. But Disney is crap and will excrete this one out in it�s most dumbed down form.
Ok, here�s what we see. Guy gets mystically turned into a bear (animated) and befriends a little bear who is irritating. They journey.
Now, if I�m making it, I have the bear using tools. This dork, still having his human intellect, doesn�t make a shelter or a weapon or anything. But then again, knowing Disney, all these bears are vegetarians. I guess what they really wanted was Brother Sheep. The big showdown, and epic shot that sells the preview, is a group of men who have been hunting bear in shock when they see a bear armed with weapons. No, not in the Disney version, in my lil dream version. Or, better yet, lets shake things up and have Brother Bear teach the other bears to use tools.
What I find odd is that the popular culture always has animals talking, but limits them in their tool usage in movies. Heck, one of the main things that separates us from the animals is our ability to signify real and abstract ideas with sounds or symbols. Even the smartest of animals only gets a cause and effect system going with their �language�.
In fact, as you�re reading this, since it�s in English, you are actually taking each letter, which stands for a type of sound, combining groups of these symbols into a collection of sounds, which you aren�t speaking, and then understanding the concept for each word I write. When I hear people saying crap, and I haven�t heard this since the middle 90s actually, like �Dolphins are just as smart or smarter than humans� I just don�t get how they arrive at that.
Sure, a dolphin in captivity will go fetch a ball if you show him a certain picture or word on a card, and then get his fish. He does this since you demonstrated over and over what you wanted. But they miss the symbol for concept that�s used by humans.
And this topic has gone on for far too long.
(Though I must say that if people are going to assert that dolphins are smarter than humans, then they first have to argue that the dolphin has no desire to better itself or it�s kind. Dolphins do not seem to desire to have the sick made well or to educate others which are not in it�s immediate vicinity. They don�t try to make Art (with a capital A) and really never go out of their way to try new foods. If you can tell me the philosophy of life which would explain all this animal like behavior, then maybe. But, as it is, they�re just the horny sonar dogs of the sea.)
The other day, repeatedly, with different actions for X, Ratstrangler kept spouting from his office, �When I gotta X, I X.� I suppose he really wanted to whoever he was talking to to know that he is a Man of Action�.
On my list of things I�ve thought of to write about, there is the line �Exploding Post-It.� I have no idea what that means. I�ve not had a Post-It note explode. Nor have I witnessed one doing that on video or in print. I am clueless on that.
I now refuse to write anything about The Restaurant, that crap reality show with Rocco D�Spirito. It�s all product placement and Whiney Bitches�. Besides, his restaurant seems to be crap.
But if I did, I�d talk about the product placement in The Restaurant and segue into the product placement in Terminator 3. Restaurant has Coors Light, American Express, and something else. Terminator 3 had Toyotas mostly.
Cop: �Attention, Woman in the Silver Lexus SC430, pull over!�
Clair Danes (to 911 operator): �Yes, help. I�ve been kidnapped. I�m in a Phantom Grey Pearl Toyota Tundra TRD Sport.�
Barf.