FIGHT FIGHT!!
Monday, Jul. 21, 2003

FIFTH GRADE: JOE WHITEHEAD

Such a tragic name, no? Well, the first time I was ever in a formal �fight� outside school was with Joe Whitehead. He was �going with� some chick who I had called a fat cow and it pissed him off. It was actually designed to do that, as the gal was actually very nice and I believe later I let her know that I meant her no ill, but that I was baiting Joe. Unfortunately, Joe took the bait and was, I suppose, looking for some way to enhance the perception of his manhood in social circles.

Now, Joe wasn�t a big fellow. In fact, he was smaller than me, I think. Heck, we were 5th graders, I�m not sure that a big 5th grader and a small 5th grader would have 10 lbs difference between them.

I believe that I actually forgot Joe�s threats that he�d �hunt me down after school� from earlier in the day. Heck, hunting me down would be really hard, moron, as I lived across the street from the school.

In a related issue, see pictures of 10123 Versailles the house I grew up in, and now the current resident is trashing my childhood home.

Well, Joe did hunt me down. I was in the Singh�s yard and he caught up with me with a small group of around 14 who were looking to see a fight. I tried to weasel my way out, I guess, I really don�t remember. But the problem was (1) he was really bugging me and I had a lousy temper and (2) I didn�t know how to fight at all. I don�t remember hitting him, but I know he got me in a head lock and was punching right above my left eye repeatedly, and not very well either.

Then the unexpected happened, Scott, Joe�s best friend, jumped Joe. Scott was also a friend of mine, but unfortunately I can�t remember his last name so he can find this searching for himself on google.

Scott jumped on Joe�s back and started beating on his ears with both hands. I couldn�t believe it, but the crowd went wild. Scott stopped and Joe looked at him, a little irritated. Scott said he was my friend and that he didn�t want Joe to hurt me. I said, �Me either.� Joe was a little irritated, but agreed. Everyone went their separate way.

I got in the house and asked my mom if she heard all the hooting and hollering outside. She had. I told her that was me getting beat up.

TENTH GRADE: JOHN BAKKEGARD, THE IDIOT

All through middle school, John Bakkegard was a bully at Mountain Gap. His psychotic toady, (I forgot his name but just emailed Matt to ask him), who would be played by Al Pacino, always make big talk about wanting to fight my friend Matt. Matt once rubbed his face in dog poop during a fight. Matt was a laid-back, non-pacifistic black belt type. He didn�t want trouble, unless it was for climbing up on top of the school building late at night, but if you wanted to fight him, sure, moron.

[Note: Matt emailed me back but was wrong. But now I remember that it was J.D. Darby. What a caricature of loser toadyness. Right up there with Farkus from that movie.]

Well, this was much later than middle school. John had become a bit of a bully has-been. He was in Lawson Newman�s English class for third period and I was across the pod (school had pod-system). I talked to Lawson before class started and then when the bell rang, I headed back to my class, nearly every day. John would hassle me verbally, but rather ineffectually, if he felt like it. However, this one day, he decided to get physical.

Did I ever mention I had a temper problem as a kid? I did, [expletive expletive].

Well, John follows me across the pod, telling me to get back to my class. I just keep walking as it makes him look silly, though it makes me look wimpy possibly. Then John pushes me forward a few feet. I turn and tell him not to push me. He says, �ooooh!� sarcastically. I turn around and start walking again and he pushes me pretty good.

I really wasn�t thinking about it much, but I turned and punched him in one movement. There�s a place on your jaw you can hit someone that�ll shake their head really well. I did that. I popped him in the lower part of the jaw.

He actually staggered backward a few feet. He stood there looking at me in confusion as I looked at him in shock that I�d actually done that. �I�m gonna hunt you down after school.� John said. Well, he didn�t. I was talking with Matt and girls I liked for at least 40 minutes before I got in my car and left. Those were back in the days when I drove Gary Dezemburg and that little guy on my street home. So it wasn�t like I didn�t have my disjointed posse of spazzes with me. Ha.

TWELTH GRADE: MATTHEW SWENEA

Now, if there was ever a person who I pitied even though they were a total ass to me, it was Matt Swenea. He desperately wanted to be a bully, or fit in, or something. I was deeply pacifistic at this time. I was a lover, not a fighter. Well, Swenea was a real piece of work.

He would insult me, and sometimes push me. He was dangerous and had nothing to live for, and if I tried my Bakkegard move on him, I�d end up either on fire or spurting blood. He was dangerous, but he was still considered a loser at school.

He tormented me for a long time. I�m not sure if he did it to anyone else, but he only did it when I was between my second and third period classes. He completely ignored me at lunch. And I would take first and third lunch, because I was a reckless teen and my Spanish teacher had issues and didn�t notice I was gone the second half of class about a third of the time.

There never was a true fight. But once Matt punched me in the sternum so hard it made a loud crack. He did this in front of a teacher too. The teacher �broke it up� and warned me and him (ho ho) to stop horsing around. I went to my government class. That was the most physical it ever got.

Matthew Swenea didn�t get to graduate with us. He was in jail. Moron.