Overly Emotional Me
12/19/2

Am I always this much of an emotional train wreck near the holidays? Is it because we got accepted by the adoption agency? Is it because I�ve radically altered my diet? Is it the lack of sleep?

My chest feels like it�s going to burst waiting for our daughter. How can a person actually love someone they know nothing, absolutely nothing, about? We won�t even get to pick her, the ladies at the orphanage will do that for us.

When Aisai and I were going over some questions that are routinely asked in the interview thing that is called a home study, Aisai said something I never realized, but it�s very true. When asked what my greatest weakness was, Aisai said it was that I was so easily discouraged.

I think I�m depressed feeling since I know the battle to get our daughter has begun. In the next three months, I�ll be fingerprinted, photographed, interviewed, and generally everything I�ve ever done in my life, good or bad, will be looked at to determine if I�m worthy to be able to have a child. Being accepted by the adoption agency just means they�ll take our next check, the next one is for $1800. It�s for the dossier preparation.

About the altered diet, I weighted in at 188.5 this morning. That�s about 15 lbs lower than I usually am. About ten of that I think is muscle that was eaten away due to my inactivity. The last five or so is fat, due to my using a cycled ketosis diet. Man, I can�t wait until carb up on the weekend. I need to start working out again. I feel puny. I never was a superhero physique, but I�m getting smaller.

I tried some upright rows again today. With 15 lbs in each hand, it stopped hurting my left wrist after about the fourth one. I upped the weight to 30 lbs in each hand and it was unbearable. I looked and back when I�d do 8 sets of 8 in early October, I was doing 50 in each hand. I couldn�t find the papers for when I was doing 12 sets of four.

I can�t pinpoint what�s really eating at me. Sure, it�s the wait. Sure, it�s the feeling of weakness and uselessness. But why do I not feel like having fun? Why does my Diet Mountain Dew Code Red not appeal to me anymore?

But I�m overly emotional today. I cried a few times in Lord of the Rings. Pathetic. Heck, I�ll cry at long distance commercials next.

There�s two thoughts that stick in my head:

I�ve got too much parental love in me and no one who needs it.

I�m working on �living the dream� by having a child, and I�m not too fond of who I am.

Oh, and did I mention, I shaved off my rather long goatee.

Crap-rolla. Today is lame.