Soviet IMAX Clones: They Hate That Sand
11/18/2

Well, my young padawan, let me tell you this; the IMAX at the Space and Rocket Center is not where you want to see your Episode II.

Friday, I bought Ep2 on DVD and since Aisai isn�t too keen on the Star Wars Universe, and less keen on the two crappy ones, I only watched a little of it when we got back from the college age retreat on Saturday.

What I liked the best about the movie, and I�m basing this on my DVD viewing and the time I saw it in a real theater, is the Kamino aliens. Specifically, Taun We, the female. And yes, I know the gal�s name, since I have the action figure on my Christmas list. Hey, what do you get the guy with not everything but clearly at least 140% more than what I really want? Oh, the Kamino Alien.

I watched the arrival, and every other chapter, thus skipping lines like �I hate sand, it�s not soft like your boobs.� The two best things in the movie are Jango sans armor talking like he�s on break from Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and the Kamino Aliens.

Mercifully, since the IMAX could only be two hours long, some of the groaningly bad scenes were cut. Darth Annakin now only expresses he dislikes sand, which is odd, since no one was talking about sand. He doesn�t mention Natalie Portman�s softies anymore. The bugbear cows are gone, totally. [And the crowd goes wild.] And the meeting between the emperor and Jarjar is missing, which was actually a key plot point.

So, what is better on the IMAX? Being able to see the subtle detail of the slow moving effects. Or, at times, the lack there of.

Good Job: Kamino Aliens, Diner Guy, landscapes, textiles, and interior decorating. Also, any ship that doesn�t move too fast.

Bad Job: The two people who walk by the diner and are rendered at about the level that Grand Theft Auto does, The Naboo House (yeah, the one with those planters with the red flowers [groan]), and Hayden�s skin.

Oh, did I mention that we could check out their skin tones.

Natalie scores the best skin with only having one murdered pimple crater between her eyes during the �I can�t wuv you� scene. Otherwise, she had great skin. Now, Hayden, well, depending on what scene it was, it seemed he had some blemishes which were crawling around his face. The Kamino aliens actually looked like they needed a good moisturizer. Yoda had very good skin for his age (and obviously really good conditioner for his hair). But the horror of horrors was Moley Wan Kenobi.

�Help me, Moley Wan Pimpoli, you�re my only wart!�

Or, as Yoda would say, �A rat to off chew that thing get.�

It�s not the movie�s fault, except for the dialog. The screen had a lot to do with it.

Asiai and I do travel a little. Not world trekking so much, but we hit the attractions in nearby areas. I�ve been to many IMAX theaters and the Space and Rocket Center�s is by far the worst. It is one of the first made, and this makes it feel like a Soviet Surplus 1964 IMAX. Anyone who wants to go see Star Wars on it should sit as high as possible to minimize the distortion. But even in the nose bleed seats, Anakin�s head will stretch into a cone shape as he gets near the corners of the screen.

What we could see clearly and non-distorted was the bottom center of the screen. The first 15 minutes of the movie were totally wasted in this format since your brain had to adjust to the way you were looking at things. Since the female assassin chase is early, it will dizzy you out. You can�t understand what�s happening and I often had to look at an exit sign or something to keep from getting too dizzy.

And that brings us to the action scenes. I knew what was going on, but I sure couldn�t follow it. If you think that you�ll like seeing Crazy Cat and Mantis Boy from the arena scene, well, you can�t figure out the action since it�s distorting all over the place. Your best look at Crazy Cat is when he falls down and takes his short little nap. Your best look at Mantis Boy is when he goes �Ooh, I hate this spear. Bite bite.�

At the beginning of the movie, I told Aisai that I was disappointed and wanted to leave after the Kamino Aliens. Then I changed my mind since I was getting used to it and also I forgot the seismic charges are after the Kamino aliens.

Overall, however, I did have a good time, but mainly because I get extra mileage bashing it here. The worst part of the movie is still when C3PO delivers his �This is a drag� and �I�m beside myself� rapid fire lame lines. If you watch the making of stuff, you realize that Lucas adds this stuff afterward when his brain is, I guess, starved for oxygen.

Aisai�s least favorite thing is the fact that they have taken the cool sound from Sebulba�s pod racer and now nearly every ship sounds like that. doh-doH-dOH-DOH-DOh-Doh-doh-doh-doh. Either that or that Anakin hates sand.

I�d watch the commentary track, but I�m supposed to be being quiet since Aisai is supposed to be studying her accounting for (a) her test tomorrow and (b) for the online quiz she has to take before 11 p.m. (2 hrs 42 min and counting). Instead, she�s washing dishes. I�m sure she�ll be cat juggling when everything in the house is clean.

Ya know�I think I actually like sand.