The Latest Trend In Coffees Is Suck
2/26/2

The whole coffee situation at work has just jumped to a new level of shamefulness.

It all began a few weeks ago, maybe a month, but it feels like months, plural, when I brought some JFG Bonus Blend to work. It was on sale at Hel-Mart and, hey, how bad can coffee be.

Surely it couldn�t be worse than that Army Coffee that The Director bought at the PX. It was a white label and said GROUND COFFEE on the front. It was bad. But JFG, not to be outdone, was worse.

The Director and I are really the only ones who drink coffee as if we were fish who must have it to breathe.

Sometimes metaphors can be bad things, you know.

In any case, The Director, which I�ll call Ratstrangler from now on since typing The Director is rather difficult...I mean...look at your keyboard. D...I...RE...C...T...O...R...It�s like hand aerobics....

...

So, Ratstrangler brings come Folgers and we drink that once we find out how bad my coffee is. It becomes official that I am not able to, in good conscience, mock the Army Coffee anymore. We then struggle through the lame coffee. Fixing it whenever we have contractors over, as if to say �Here, drink this, it�s horrible.� Any mouth to get rid of this swill but our own. Perhaps we should invite some homeless over.

So, today I make coffee. I�ve actually bought some Latin Coffee called PILON. I think it�s an anagram of some sort. But I didn�t open that can. I made the JFG Crap Blend.

I let my cup of coffee sit around. I walked around with it. But I hadn�t drunk a sip. Then, standing near the sink in the lab, but just by coincidence, I took a sip.

Gad, that�s horrid. You couldn�t engineer worse coffee.

I spat it in the sink. Then I poured out my cup. Then I dumped all the grounds into the garbage.

But I was saying at the beginning how the coffee situation has sunk to new lows, right?

Labman�s brother-in-law got him some coffee that�s supposed to be really good. He brought it. I looked forward to the day that I would get to try it.

I opened the bag with a scalpel that I really hope was clean. The grounds were very dark. I prefer a mild roast, personally. It smelled...interesting. I made the coffee.

Once the coffee was made, it was like you had taken 5000 brown crayons and taped them to an old woman wearing too much perfume and then dunked her, crayons and all, in hot water.

[To clarify, it has a distinct floralness to it.]

I�m not fond of it. TC said he thought he saw something about it on The Food Channel. Yeah, on the show of crap.

I just took another sip of it.

What were they thinking? This is like coffee for heroin addicts. [Description deleted.]

In any case, I�m not fond of it. I just checked with Labman and it is Shane, a friend of his brother-in-law, who owns a grocery store that is so fond of it. �This is the best coffee I�ve ever tasted.�

That poor man.