Like Close Encounters But With Trombones
12/13/1

When I was a young man, around 13 or so, at my middle school we had an option in seventh or so grade that we could do Choral, Band, or PE.

PE was not going to be my choice. I was sufficiently meek and non-abnormal that I was not tormented by the bullies who wanted to grow up to be either rock trolls or marines, but I still didn�t like it.

Choral? Granted, a great way to meet girls, but no way.

So band it was. I�d never really been musically inclined. We had a piano all my life at my parent�s house and I could pink out a tune I�d heard. Chariots of fire and one of those patriotic songs have the same notes in a different order, you know.

As my weapon of choice, I picked Trombone. Ah, the majestic Trombone. I have no idea why I picked that.

Trombone seems easy. While everyone else is tuning their stuff, we just poomph and brat and bruff since, hey, you don�t tune a trombone. It�s the perfect instrument for a future engineer who firmly believes that 9 x 9 = 80.

Some people don�t know what I�m talking about, but anyone who has done calculations on a napkin or envelope and thought that being 30% off was acceptable, cause hey, we�re just getting a rough idea here, they know what I�m talking about.

Besides, any math that isn�t balancing a checkbook is going to be off by 3% anyway.

So, I played the trombone. I was in C band since it was my first year and I wasn�t brilliant. Whether you were good or not, you got bumped up to B band after your first year. If you were good, then you were probably put into A band after a few months. I was first chair C band most of the time. I didn�t rock. I was mediocre, but everyone else sucked.

In 8th grade, I got braces. Those who read this and have tried to pay a brass instrument with braces will know that only masochists can do it well, and they get blood running out their spit valve.

...

I�ve just grossed my own self out.

In any case, I stopped playing trombone.

A few years ago, I picked up a battered old trombone for $25. I�ve played it a total of maybe three times, and each time was just noise. I�m talentless.

However, there is a kid in middle school in the neighborhood who plays the trombone at his school and his parents will make him go outside to practice sometimes. I�m not clear on the good neighborness of that action, but I could get my trombone out and stand behind my house so he couldn�t see me and make �wrong echoes� of him.

I�ve been really tempted to do this.